Appreciation — and the lack thereof – End of the Day for July 26, 2014

I know it is impossible to say with this without sounding impossibly naive and even selfish, but I have to say it anyway — there are times in my life when I feel distinctly unappreciated. There are even times I don’t appreciate myself that much. I fill with self doubt and the lack of appreciation from others feeds into that hole, digging it deeper and deeper. Self-confidence falters and falls and I begin to wonder why I do anything that I do, why I share anything I share, why I write anything I write. Publicly and personally this feeling dogs me.

The most important part of self-confidence, though, Is respecting yourself and appreciating yourself and your work. To truly do and be our best we must find ways of being self-supporting and self-confident. That said, a little outside validation can go a long way towards helping us in this endeavor. While our own intrinsic drives are most important, without some extrinsic rewards, it can be very difficult to maintain your energy. This seems to be my largest problem in life and work — running out of energy to sustain myself.

I think those who are able to maintain an endless supply of intrinsic motivations certainly have a leg up in the world. There are burdens and issues with this. Too deeply convinced of our own specialness, intelligence or artfulness, people can fall into arrogance, over-confidence and even maliciousness. Like everything in life, it is all a fine balance, a dance, that we must perform as gracefully as we can.

So, like most, I fall into cycles of up and down, in and out, hopeful and hopeless and must deal the best I can. If the depths of times, I often think about stopping all I do, crawling into a dark cave and stopping these feeble attempts to grow and better myself and share my thoughts with others.

And yet, I can’t. I still have these intrinsic desires to do all of these things, no matter how my feelings rise and fall. It can be maddening sometimes — like a lunatic shouting into the night — but I can never imagine, even in the darkest moments, NOT doing what I do, writing what I write, sharing what I share. It is an intrinsic drive in my own life that I cannot — and I think — would not be without, even if I could decide.

So, I share this with all of you in hopes you gain a better understanding of both me and yourself. We are who we are. We do what we do, even if we don’t always understand why. This is probably what brings about all this confusion in our lives. A human frailty? Perhaps, but also a definitive part of being human that cannot be avoided.

Previously on End of the Day: