My most unlikable trait – End of the Day for September 22, 2014

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 We all have something about us we dislike, be it physical, or in my cases, psychological. I have several issues, but one that bothers me, as much as it probably bothers others is complaining. Yes, i am a complainer. I’ll complain about the heat the noise, the guy who cut me off, the oaf that couldn’t be bothered to park in a space instead of in the driving lane and a hundred other things. I feel a bit like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory sometimes. As that character is written, he is psychologically and physically unable to NOT say things. There are times I feel that same pressure. I know I shouldn’t say something, but it burns within me, bubbles up and simply pours out, not matter how much I might want to, intellectually, keep it in.

I am also “blessed” with a demeanor that shows everything on the surface. If I am upset, it is clear to even those least observant of interpersonal queues. Of course, this then leads to the question, “What’s wrong?” which brings forth the complaints. Ick. I wish I were different sometimes, but I also understand that 50 years has not been a long enough time to change this behavior. I often say that if someone is doing something obnoxious, then there must be some reward in it for them. For me, the only reward I can find is in purging these complaints, and the stress they bring, from my mind and body. I carry stress along with me wherever I go and sometimes the only way to relieve it is to, well, relieve it. I complain. I whine, a bit, even when I know there is no practical solution. In fact, though, I know there is no solution. I just need to relieve the pressure that is inside me.

I harbor a deep-seated belief that living with me can be a big pain in the ass sometimes. Sure, I can fix things, teach things, be empathetic and caring, but to get those good traits you have to put up with all the bad, too.This can make me feel outright guilty sometimes, when I know that I am being troublesome, bothersome, depressed, moody or otherwise. Sometimes the only way i can relieve people of my troublesome side is by putting distance between us, both physical and emotional.

Being as empathetic as I am, I sometimes have to distance myself from disturbing emotions or situations that anger me. I internalize them and, in the worst case, they can burn me internally. I can be dragged “down the rabbit hole” so quickly, so i have come to recognize these potentially damaging situations and avoid them Here is a hint. If you ever see me leave a room during a conversation, and not return immediately, I am in avoidance mode. I am removing myself from the situation because I can start to feel those easily recognized tingles of emotion and fear. Here at home I sometimes have to ask my family to stop discussing a particular topic, if I find that it is upsetting me. Thankfully I can do this in a family environment, but it would be considered unacceptable and even obnoxious in public.

So, I think tonight’s essay falls into the category of self-diagnosis a bit. By writing about things here I try to gain a little bit more understanding of them, if not control over them.

Previously on End of the Day:

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